To Be Woefully Lost
by forevergold
Summary: Outtakes of TBSITF. I recommend you read that before venturing into this. Told in various POVs.
1. Chapter 1

**This is all for erica who I absofuckinglutely adore with all my heart, who gave me kickass music to help fight the writers block, and who just freaking rocks. You can all thank her for this little outtake. **

**Also, la strana, I hope you enjoy this. Sah and I are engaged. Just thought everyone should know. **

* * *

**Demetri**

Humanity is such a fragile frame of existence.

It's why the world goes and moves and pushes without us, while we pretend we're blind and free and somehow, _whole_.

Stars wink at us, distract us, dazzling and intriguing—unfairly seducing us to the bonds of fate. The moon simply smirks, looking on, somehow above it all.

Night is a blanket, heavy and pressing, coated blackness around my eyes, suffocating and addicting, this confusion of senses, this inkling of control in a claustrophobic room teeming with wicked chaos.

Its oblivion is enticing, sex and pitch black and anonymous. The reason why there's regret in the morning¾that second in which the body is awake, though not necessarily aware, and the mind squeezes its eyes shut, squinting against the taunting light, wishing and hoping and pleading against all hell for just five more minutes.

Five more minutes of blissful ignorance.

In light, reality is inescapable. There are no more places to hide. No more time for childhood. Night air tastes crisply of adolescence and all those thing of yesterday, when the world breathed easy and the creek behind Jefferson's stupid lot wasn't full of shit and STDs.

***

It was bone-chillingly cold tonight. I pulled out a cigarette, squinting to see the tree I crashed into when I was sixteen and drunk and trying to drive home.

"I thought you were gone already."

I turned to see Edward jump the front porch railing.

"Fuck you." I lit my cig.

"Lemme steal one of those." Edward snagged the box from my pocket before I could say hell no.

"Weren't you quitting?"

"Psssh. That's what I tell my dad." He pulled out his lighter.

I eyed him carefully.

"How is your dad?"

His eyes tightened.

I sighed. "That bad, huh?"

Edward turned away, pushing out smoke. "Whatever."

I tugged a hand through my hair because we were all so _stuck_. And where did we differ, if we all just couldn't get out?

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

I took another drag. "You need a haircut."

"No you need a haircut, asshole." He lunged at my head and I dodged him, laughing.

"Bitch, I'll have you know my professors dig these luscious locks…" I smirked at him.

"4.0 my ass. Prick."

I shrugged my shoulders at him. "Think what you want, but I am a smart motherfucker."

I watched him pull out his cell phone and check the screen. He pulled at the hair behind his head and I was suddenly terrified.

All these years…I'd never thought.

"What's going on?"

Edward looked away, taking another drag. "If I asked you to tell me something, would you tell me the truth?"

"Hell, Edward, why would you ask me that? It's me." I stopped. "Oh. Bella."

He kind of put his head down, the smoke filtering around his face and neck and oh god I hadn't realized how similar we were.

This scared the shit out of me. I couldn't be responsible for someone else's imprisonment.

Only my own.

Because I was a selfish bastard. But I also knew a chance at hope when I saw it.

And I _had _seen it.

I just wish…

It was too late.

It was all so _binding_.

I don't think I even mourned the cementing of my adulthood. Life just _happened_.

I wonder if I would ever know what it meant to _live_.

I dropped my cig to the ground, pushing it in with my foot. "She's it, man. She's what you need in this fuckhole."

"What did you tell her?"

"Jesus, Edward. The truth."

"You dickhead, what the fuck were you thinking?" He pushed off the wall, moving toward me. "She doesn't need to know all that shit--"

"I didn't tell her everything. You still need to fill in the blanks…I was just…looking for something." I shoved my hands in my pockets because it was so fucking cold.

He grew quiet. "How's Jane?"

I huffed. "Fine. That is the last time I will ever be jealous of a drug."

Edward chuckled. I was relieved. "Fuckin' Aro."

"Yeah."

"You hangin' in there?"

I thought about it…because I was. I mean, I was surviving, wasn't I? "Yeah."

"When do you go back?"

"I leave tomorrow."

"How is it…being back? Are you a new man now?" Edward asked, his tone sarcastic and harsh and it was just…_me_.

"Nah. Just older. Being away doesn't let you forget…it's a constant reminder. I'm tied to this place."

"Or your dad."

"Dick."

He put his hands up. "Just sayin'."

"Don't you have some damsel in distress to save?"

"I do, yes." He bobbed his head once. "But she doesn't want to be saved."

I stared hard at him. _You will not be me. _"Who the fuck cares if she wants to be saved? Grow some balls and save her anyways."

"What the hell do you know about this shit, Romeo?"

"I know that you need her."

Please. Don't be like me.

He looked up at me, serious. "I got a full ride, Dem. For soccer."

"No shit?"

He dug out another cig.

"Slow down there jock, we want you to actually stay alive long enough to get the damn scholarship."

He stared past me, lost in thought.

"And your dad--" I trailed off, not entirely sure what it was I wanted to know.

"My dad doesn't need to know _shit_, Dem."

I spit the remnants of ash left on my tongue. "Okay."

_It doesn't matter. You need a savior. You'll keep coming back. _

"And Bella?" I asked quietly.

He sighed, his shoulders hunched forward as he leaned against the railing. "I can't just make these decisions based on her, man."

"I know. But god I just want you to get _the fuck _out of here and never come back."

I did. I wanted never to see his face again.

That would mean there was hope. There was a way out.

They didn't all have to turn out like me.

And Rosie…she could be free and beautiful and _everywhere _again.

"I'm not ever coming back," he stated, sure of himself.

"You don't understand, Edward, you need--"

"I know what the fuck I'm doing, _Demetri_. I don't need a counsel session."

I flinched. "Then think about this rationally, dickwad. This isn't some adolescent show of rebellion, this is your life--"

"Christ, do you think I'm stupid? I'm just doing what you always told me to, I'm just trying to make--"

"Stop right there," I cut in, clenching my fists, "you are not going to be anything like me. Just stop. Stop thinking that and stop acting like this and just fucking _stop._"

I breathed.

"You need her because without her you're alone. And being alone is not powerful or independent or cool. It's _stupid _and _pitiful_ and just don't…just _live_, ok?"

Edward glanced back at me. "I don't know if she'll let me follow."

I looked up at the sky, playing with the flame of my lighter. "I don't care."

He flicked the finished cigarette to the ground and stuck another behind his ear. "Get out of here, you pussy," he said, walking down the steps, "run away."

I nodded at his back.

***

They scream muted, noiseless cries that choke and die off before ever leaving their throats.

I can't hear anything anymore.

The world is racing by with too-loud horns, swearing teenagers and rambling old bums.

It's so sharp and holy and bare but I have no words. It's silence suspended in space and time and what-thefuck-ever.

We're all the same. I don't pretend. I laugh at you plastic, platinum, flawless.

Look in the goddamn mirror.

That's right, my love. I'm still laughing.

It's a lie.

It's those moments when you're lying in bed and it's so dark you can taste it, and the room is spinning and ringing and your lids are heavy and suddenly you feel yourself blink, like your body's trying to half-heartedly remind you that you're still breathing. And you stare, your lids forced wide, and you can just barely make out the door of your closet, illuminated by a more sinister shade of black, and with a start you discover your eyes have been closed the entire time. That you're unable to tell the difference between the darkness in front of and inside you.

That you're blind.

But you see, I just don't think a lot of people realize that. Their eyes being closed. Maybe there is no difference.

Like, maybe it's all the same--living and dying. Opening and closing. Hard breaths and silence.

Maybe there is no difference.

I get that. I accept it.

So may I please take off my mask now?


	2. Chapter 2

**Rosalie**

I think, in a way, it was sort of inevitable.

We were both so tired of just…pretending.

We assumed, without ever saying a word of course, that we could last until we went away to college. We just would coincidentally, not attend the same one.

It was that simple.

I couldn't ignore the cold however. It was just freezing all the time. If I were a heartbroken sentimentalist, I would blame it on the icy termination of my first love.

Doesn't that first love always just _kill _you?

It's entertaining to think how repellant we became towards one another. Angry.

Spiteful.

But I don't believe I would've wanted it any other way.

Something we both didn't expect was flung at us.

Literally, _flung_.

How else does Bella Swan know how to enter peoples' lives?

That girl-as crazy and alive as she was-had this inexplicable air about her. It was addicting to be around her…her presence and life just filling you until she became just so…infectious.

Edward was smart enough to notice her. To get his hands on her. I always admired him for that. His quiet brilliance.

But I wanted her too.

And so, despite the fact that my boyfriend was in love with her, I still trusted her.

That was the thing about Bella Swan. She sort of grew on you and didn't go away.

And I'm not entirely sure I wanted to let go of my best friend, anyway.

It didn't really matter all that much now. After I threw that punch and she took it and got it and was just so _Bella _I knew she would make it okay.

That _we _had made it.

Somehow, I knew that she was meant to save me. And Edward. Though she'd fallen for him in the process.

That part still hurt.

I just didn't know how to _let go_. It hurt too much.

I shoved my arms into the hot, soapy water and scrubbed the pans with all the intensity of a hard-working housewife. I could hear Edward and Bella talking. Or not talking.

They were weird like that. As much as I hated to admit it…they were sort of perfect for each other.

Despite my very skewed definition of perfect.

"Bella, why don't you check out the pool in the backyard. I think you're one of the very few people who will actually appreciate it. I have some suits upstairs-the white dresser on the left, bottom drawer."

I heard Bella jump off the counter.

"Where's your room?"

I turned to look at this silly girl. Her hair was all messy (she never paid any attention to it), and her eyes were petrified (she was terrified of my house). I was struck in that moment by her innocent beauty-untouched by make-up or plastic surgery or even a bit of false pretenses.

She was genuine, pure and simple.

I envied her for it.

But it was a good sort of envy. One that made me want to be better.

"Up the stairs, down the hall, last room on the right." Edward answered for me.

She bobbed her head and shuffled out, watching her awkward feet in that endearing way she has. Edward watched her go, unable to hide the half-smile that crept up his usually somber features. I watched him, silent.

Finally, he turned to me. His eyes met mine for the first time in…a long time. I think we'd stopped looking each other in the eye when it became just…too _unbearable_.

How do you look each other in the eye when everything's a lie?

When everything you thought you knew…is just _not_?

He scratched the back of his neck, "I'm sorry."

I nodded, accepting it. I wanted those words to flow through me…like a healing serum.

He didn't step closer, didn't touch me, he just kept looking at me with those sea eyes that used to make me want to conquer the world.

I tried not to hurt for what was lost.

For the fairytale princess dreams I would never have with him.

So I just looked back at him.

It was the only thing I could do without crying. I didn't want to be _that_ girl, for God's sake.

"You okay?" He asked, rubbing his jaw.

"Fine." I whispered.

He stopped fidgeting. "I'm sorry," he said again, like he knew.

"Stop apologizing." I sighed.

I was so tired.

"What else do you want me to do, Rose?"

"Nothing." I ground out, squeezing my eyes.

It was quiet. He never looked away from me.

"I miss you."

He inhaled quickly, like the wind had been knocked out of him.

After an eternity, he murmured, "Miss you too, bug."

I think that's what did it. Everything got blurry and suddenly I couldn't _stop _talking. "I know this whole thing seems stupid to you…the fact that I can't get over this. I mean, we were kids, right? But I just want you to know that for the first time in my life, I feel _strong_ and in control and I'm growing. I'm learning from this and it's okay because that's how you become an adult and I know _why _you're in love with her but god…it just _hurts_, Edward-"

Suddenly I was enveloped in his arms. I buried my nose in the space between his neck and the collar of his t-shirt and tried not to think about how this was the last time I'd ever be comforted by his scent. He rubbed by back carefully, not saying anything.

"I wasn't gonna get all emotional on you, Edward. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I deserve it."

Another sob tore up my throat without my permission. "You were my best friend."

His arms tightened. He pulled back to see my face.

"I don't regret anything. Please know that."

"I do." He replied, his eyes closing for a second, pained.

I slid my hand along his cheek. "You were my sunshine," I whispered.

His jaw clicked in that way it does when he clenches it too hard.

"But I think…I need to find my own way…my own sun. Forks is a prison. But you were my prisoner too."

_This is me letting go, Edward. _

"So you're free to go."

An odd sound escaped from Edward's throat as he shoved his face into my shoulder, clutching my sides. "I love you."

I combed my fingers through his unruly hair. "Love you too."

And though it hurt like hell, I could feel some part of me mending and closing and I knew that this was just life.

And the fuckery that is getting older.

And it pulled and tugged and throbbed but it made me feel alive.

And suddenly, I could see the world clearly.


End file.
